Roast the Pig, Spill His Blood

So, I was the best man at my brother's wedding (actually, I was one of three). And of course one of the great things about being best man is that you get to have a few stiff drinks and stand up in front of a large crowd and roast your buddy/brother/whoever.

This is big brother fodder, because you vaguely remember those days when you were constantly giving your younger siblings hell, and it makes you feel kind of good knowing that you're gonna get to relive those days.

Unfortunately, my brother was always better at me at everything, so my attempts to roast him in a speech turned out to be difficult.

Here is the final result, completed the night before the wedding, and delivered while buzzed (although apparently well) the day of:


I firstly just wanna thank everyone that's put in time and resources to make this day a reality. Also, to all the guests, from all over the world, thanks for coming out. Lastly to Groom and Bride (not sure if the real married couple want to be stalked by Junk Coffee Aficionados), thanks for letting me play such a huge part in your wedding festivities.


In case some of you don't know who I am, my name is Patrick Norris and I'm Groom's brother. I've known Groom for thirty-two years, and I can honestly say that the three years before Groom was born were the quietest, most peaceful years of my life, because he was slash is a handful. 

When we were growing up, Groom and I used to play lots of games in the backyard, stupid stuff like baseball using our gloves as bats and tennis balls as balls. One day one of us (Groom) decided it would be a good idea to throw rocks in the neighbor's pool. What we didn't count on was the neighbor being mad as hell, and he was when he came over a little while later. When he insisted that our parents punish us, Groom did what I should have had the courage to do in the first place--he denied ever throwing a rock in his entire life.

As we got older, Groom and I played a lot of organized sports. Although I'm sure we're related (for every good-looking, bright, thoughtful son, there's a black sheep brother like Groom), I'm also pretty sure his genes were tampered with at birth. He's got the speed of a cheetah and the strength of a great ape. Competing with him athletically was almost impossible. When he beat me for the second straight time in high school tennis, tension in the Norris household was high when the local paper ran the article "Brother Whips Brother."

But as we've gotten older our relationship has changed and gotten stronger. While I was once an X and him an O and it was all about competition, now we just hang out and talk and eat Subway footlongs. We actually coined a term for these usually Tuesday get-togethers--brother bonding nights. Basically, they're Groom's way of cramming his bad TV tastes down my throat, hour after hour of "Biggest Loser" (and if you've seen the baby pictures of Groom floating around, you realize that he was on the verge of becoming a contestant himself).

During one of these nights, Groom mentioned a new girl he'd met. She was blond with a nice athletic build and a calm demeanor (To be honest, it kind of bothered me, because this was last night and her name was not Bride).

But I finally did meet Bride a short while later. I don't remember where or when it was at, but she said hey and I hey-d back, and it was like this for at least the first ten times we met.

We're both quiet, me more so than her, so it took us years to get to know one another. Bride, although you're now officially my sister, I've considered you my sister for years. You're bright, thoughtful, quiet, and caring. Both you and you're family have been entirely welcoming to me, and I couldn't be happier to have you as a member of my family.

Groom, I'm still hoping Bride's good qualities might rub off on you. But really, you've always been a great brother and friend to me. Whenever I've needed anything, you've been there in a flash. If you're there for Bride like you've always been there for me, your marriage will last a lifetime. 

So please join me in raising a glass to my brother and sister, Groom and Bride.